Should women play down their humph?

What could these women possibly have in common?

You've probably recognized they are (l-r): Lucy Stone, Sojourner Truth, Indira Gandhi, Billie Holliday, and Queen Nanny of the Maroons




Lucy Stone was born on August 13, 1818 and although she lived nearly 200 years ago, she would certainly be called a pioneer in her own time.

Women were mere shadows of the men in their lives and yet Stone spoke up for women’s rights and spoke out against slavery when women were chastised for speaking publicly. (Remember, women had not yet earned the right to vote.) In 1839 she funded her own education and became the first woman in Massachusetts to earn a college degree, and even became the first person in New England to be cremated. She's remembered most for being the first woman in the United States to keep her own name after marriage. (Heresy?? OMG!!) A force with whom to be reckoned, I’d say!! Yet, she's hardly the first or the only pioneer.

When I first read about Ms. Stone, I thought about other women who knew their worth and fought for the worth of other women. Women like Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Nanny of the Maroons, and others on whose shoulders we stand.

When I think about the workplace of tomorrow, I compare it to the workplace I think exists today and I wonder what will the children find? How will your daughters and nieces have to behave? Will you be able to fit in… those of you who choose to return? And then my mind starts its rapid stroll down the corridors of centuries past and I think about women who were giants of their time. How did they dare to be so? How did Lucy dare to defy her father and get an education when women were expected to be unschooled wives? or as one man put it... "glorified maids". Where did Sojourner Truth get the chutzpah to demand of her unwitting audience, “Aren’t I a woman?”

Women in the workplace encounter obstacles and make sacrifices just like their predecessors did… sacrifices that are different and some that are the same. One that got my attention was the idea of playing down their success… their achievements… so others around them might feel comfortable. What do I mean? Well consider this…

You’ve had close friends since elementary school and somehow (really through hardwork, preparation, and focus) you’ve achieved stellar success while their achievements could be described as tepid. Imagine being with your friends and forcing yourself to not always pay for dinner, although you can, if by repeatedly doing so you cause your friends to question their value. Imagine recognizing that you can’t always share all your accomplishments, if news of your steady success will somehow cause others to feel less worthy. Imagine realizing that you cannot always be the one with the answers if by doing so it will make others feel less accomplished. It is in these instances that some women have learned to play down their achievements and mute some of the roar of their success.

Is this lack of confidence? Or is this an example of brilliant women demonstrating a keen understanding of their environment, high sensitivity, and a lot of savvy?



Can't wait to read your comments.

Be Still and Listen.... 聽

Someone once said that God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we could listen twice as much as we speak. Hmmm… there’s something here. Just imagine the things we might hear.

Maybe we would hear the early morning birds waking up their families… and chattering as they get ready to face their day, or maybe we would hear how others really feel about us. For sure we would hear the gossipmongers and the chatterboxes, the rumors and the scandals, and we would hear pain and hope, suffering and joy. We would certainly hear the well-meaning words that others are saying to us… but we would also hear the words they are unwilling to voice. Say what???

Some years ago, I heard a speaker whose message stayed with me long after her name faded in the crowded corridors of my memory. Part of that message pointed out that traditional Chinese character for the verb to listen compounds the characters for ears, eyes, undivided attention and heart - 聽. Now isn't that something?

Does this mean the old folks used to practice being still in order to listen with their ears, their eyes, as well as their heart? Hmmm… we could learn something from those folks.

So what does that have to do with lessons and success? Consider this…

Listen to the wisdom around you. Even though you may not like the way the messenger looks or speaks, if given the opportunity, pay attention to the message. Listen! Even when it seems obscene or futile to give ear to the leader whose ideologies are different from our own… after all, he must be an idiot if he’s from another political party… and we are (of course), the brightest minds around. Listen! Even though your parents were born in another century (dinosaurs), they may have an ounce of intellect or street corner common sense, and that ounce may be just the measure needed to save your life. Listen! Even when it’s impossible to believe that the relic of a manager could possibly be able to add anything of value to a 20-something's vast years of experience. Still listen! It is easier to believe that the ideas that worked yesterday could not possibly be relevant today. Yes, it is easier... but often untrue.

It is here that I offer a tip for achieving success in the workplace, which is that we honor and listen to the organizational wisdom around us. Listen to the generations that have earned success, they have knowledge to share. Listen to the people who’ve had longevity in business. They may know something about the way things get done. Listen to those who’ve been making strides before you. They probably know a thing or two about a thing or two.

And as you listen to the wisdom around you… listen to your internal voice. Whether your internal voice is for you - God, or your gut... take a moment and listen you may be amazed at what you hear.

I know an exceptional listener Bernadette Glover, who in my opinion has mastered the skill of listening with her ears, her eyes, her heart and her undivided attention. She published a book entitled, Whispers Overheard in which she reveals the sounds and utterance of words she's come to hear... or overhear. It goes to show the possibilities when we stop to listen. For when we listen, we open ourselves to understanding a larger truth. When we listen, we learn to navigate the winding walkways of the workplace and strut with certainty to take advantage of the choices that are ahead of us.

Beyonce’s character in Dream Girls struck a nerve as she belted out in gut-wrenching plea to be heard, when she sang the song Listen. If I could, I would play this song with you in mind...

I wonder what you will hear when you listen??

The Evolution of Wonder Woman

This post could also be named "Second Acts".

A recent NYTimes article (June 30, 2010) reported that superheroine Wonder Woman, would receive a "dramatic makeover with the release of Issue No. 600 of her monthly series". Wonder Woman first appeared in 1941 and now in this her 8th makeover, Wonder Woman will supposedly look like she belongs in 2010. Click on this Wonder Woman link to enjoy the evolution of Wonder Woman to this her 69th year. The designer Jim Lee who brought the new costume to life says the new Wonder Woman in leggings and a strapless top is more universal. (I love it!!)

I was struck among other things by the lasting beauty, stamina, and integrity of this superhero. Still fighting villains, still being underestimated (after 69 years, you would think that villains would know better than to cross her path. After all, she always gets the job done!), and still rising to the ocassion. And savvy enough to change her costume so she is relevant to the times. Are you a wonder woman in your own way?


In the same newspaper, there were two other articles that snagged my attention:

Story 1:
Larry King announced that he would end his long-running CNN talk show, "Larry King Live," after 25 years. King would end the show on his own terms. I wondered how King would fare in his next act. I paid special attention to "on his own terms".

Story 2:
In the 1980s I would often join Madonna in singing, "living in a material world, and I am a Material Girl" even though I was paying little attention to the words. Well the real Material Girl - Madonna is making a comeback with her new clothing line aimed at teenagers. Madonna... is this your second act?

The burning question, "How will you usher in your second act?" Will you have a costume change or will you perform on a different stage? Will you revive an old act, or will you create something brand new? Some of you will be forced through lost jobs, burn-out, or other unwelcome situations to create a second act. I hope most of you will craft your Act II "on your own terms".

Women who've had multiple acts:

I think of women like Condeleezza Rice, Maya Angelou, Hillary Clinton who is roaming the world proudly representing us as diplomat extraordinaire, and Janis Karpinski, for whom the curtain rose and fell on the world stage, and on smaller arenas there were sisters like Janet Wise, co-founder of A Seat at the Table, Inc., Carol Camerino, Kathy Kane of Kane Creative Consulting , Bonnie St. John writer, and triumphant spirit, and the brilliant Janet Cargill as well as others like Bertha Artis, Carole Allen, Donna Williams, Josette Jean-Francois, and so many others whose second act occurs in a smaller public. Some of these women created their second act on their own terms, but all have done so with grace, with dignity, with the wisdom gained from their past experience, and with the stamina, the power, and the charm of Wonder Woman.

This is an idea that is dear to me because I'm also in my second act.

While the choice to begin your second act may be out of your hands, how you perform in your second act will be entirely up to you. It is nerve wracking and exciting, it is uncertain and exhilirating, but take heart. Those who've done it have done their best performances the second time around. So, how do you know you are approaching your second act? Well, I think it's when you find yourself asking, "What will I do now?" I think it's an awesome question representing a new beginning.

Former NYTimes correspondent - Timothy Egan wrote an article on the very theme highlighting second act aces. Surely the idea is something to think about and hopefully share with a friend. Here's your challenge... what are you doing to prepare for your second act? Will it be on your own terms ... or will it creep up on you like snow in the middle of July (in the Northeast of course)?

What can I say about second acts? Bring 'em on... You have far more to offer than wonder woman? You are a living, thinking, caring, passionate, creative individual who wants to be your best self. You are more in charge of your own life and you aim to make a difference. You are not a comic strip character but you might be inspired by them. You can remake your image, you can recharge your passion, and you can be sure you are still relevant. While you do so... continue to build your character, live your best life, and don't compromise your integrity.

You will be better than ever the second time around!! Don't you agree?

Curiosity may have killed the cat...

... but it may help you find your life's mate.

If by now you are wondering why this is relevant, you may be one of the fortunates who currently may not be experiencing the blah of an unchaperoned life. You may yet be early on in your career and enjoying the single life. If so... yaay you!! If on the other hand, you are reading and getting ahead of yourself in agreement.. well, how does Beyonce say it? "Put your hands up...!"

Here's a true story!! When I spoke with successful women who were close to the top of their organizations and some who even ran their own businesses, I learned they were all single. All but one. Why is that? Why is it so lonely at the top?? Many of the women stated that it was not so easy finding some one who was their equal... Note for some that equal may have meant professional equal, socio-economical equal, spiritual equal, intellectual equal... and on and on. But take note, I don't believe these women are snobs as some would have us believe. I suggest instead that many of these women are looking for something ... a certain je ne sais quoi.

Dr. Paul Dobransky from Psychology Today suggests that for them and others (both men and women) curiosity is the 'one trait' that will outlast or enhance your mate's other features and lead you to embrace those enduring qualities. Here's what Dobransky says:

For many busy people with heavy workloads, duties, and stress, it might not occur at first that there are good and bad investments we make - even in the very first moments of spending time, energy, or any resources on a potential date, mate, or eventual spouse. If we could only choose one thing to look for, it ought to be their capacity for curiosity.

That's right. That simple.

In the end you'll find that curiosity didn't "kill the cat." It saved the marriage - likely through the wisdom to recognize its presence as early as the first date.

Curious Dates Make Great Mates
Think about it. If you were only interested in a casual, fun flirtation - or sex - it's a bad investment to be with a person who is not curious about you, about themselves, or about people in general. It would be a boring connection - dispassionate, stilted lovers instead of meaningful intimacy promising better things to come. They wouldn't tend to enquire about your dreams, desires, and all that makes you feel alive. If the trait of curiosity is not there at the beginning, it's not likely going to get much better than this, ever. Even if it was only one date you invested in, that's one more wasted day lost from your life.

If you were looking just to befriend a person platonically, you would still likely be spending more time, energy, and other resources on them than you get back in the relationship... if they are not a curious person. They wouldn't tend to enquire what your needs, tastes and preferences are, and likely wouldn't spontaneously communicate their own. It's hard to keep up a friendship with a person whom you don't really know, and even more likely that you are going to argue, compete, and not see eye-to-eye on the very issues that cause people to enter friendships in the first place. All because you couldn't get to an emotionally intimate knowledge of each other from the get-go.

If you were considering being exclusive, having them as a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse, or perhaps you're already in a commitment, it's a big, big problem if they are not a curious person.

Why?

There are several reasons, and they all peg to some specific working parts of the psyche, gender instincts, and character. In fact, these things will reveal to you a fair degree of what is likely to happen between you in both the near future and the long-term future.

What would it be like to be predictive about some likely future situations with a man or woman in just about any area of conflict? From the potential for betrayal, to financial challenges, management of friendships and family, health crises, and child-rearing, crossing all the most difficult divides between a man and a woman begins with the capacity to be curious.

The Self Psychologists long ago began to address the condition called pathological narcissism. This is a person with a lot of emotional maturing to do, in which they exhibit selfishness, poor boundaries, destructive attitudes and behaviors toward others, and in the realm of friendship and love, tend to fall far short of being mature, fit partners to others.

There have been quite a few pop psychology books on the subject of narcissism and its connection to "codependence," likening this condition to being like an "emotional vampire" - someone who drains the energy of romantic partners in the same way that rearing a difficult child can be exhausting to parents, leaving them emotionally spent.

Still, in matters of the heart, it is hard for logic to ever reign supreme. It is a common thing for many today to do the illogical thing - to stay with a bad relationship even though it drains your energy, to keep dating a "Bad-boy" even though he is destructive, to stay married to an entitled woman who is costly, both financially and spiritually.

We say to ourselves, "Well, they say they love me. They must love me."

We notice we still desire them even though we fight.

We find they are a devoted parent to our child even though we never even talk about our sexual needs or preferences anymore.

Then we confuse words with emotions, then emotions with romantic fitness as a partner.

Then desire, lust, love, friendship, maturity (outgrowing narcissism), and committed partnership are confused with each other.

We then just don't know what to do anymore.

It all started harmlessly - long before the "emotional involvement," the man and woman simply engaged in idle conversation. Words that led to a romance.

How about taming the illogical passions, the vague hues of emotion, and the ambivalence of a committed partnership under duress - with the cold, hard intellectual trait of curiosity.

The opposite of curiosity is the state of being judgmental or prejudiced, [DID HE SAY THAT???] which while features of one's intellectual style - our communication habits, our words - are no less narcissistic than the emotional neediness or abusiveness of others.

The judgmental, the prejudiced, are intellectually narcissistic - your clue that as you intertwine lives over time, they will be emotionally narcissistic too. Usually, we adhere to the old wise saying warning us to "judge others by their actions, not words." In the case of assessing mature curiosity versus being judgmental, the reverse may be far more useful:

Know people through curious words, not passionate actions.

On the path to your career nirvana... I believe that a healthy and satisfying relationship is one essential aspect of your ability to lead a whole and fulfilling life. Imagine for a moment, a life shared with a curious other... where you are able to share and therefore build on your ideas, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires.... a life that basks in the intimately, emotional knowledge of each other. What a mmm-mmm life that would be!!

Post your comment on this blog to share your wishes for a curious life.

Curious Dates Make Great Mates to read the full article. Here's to satisfaction!!

Time is on your side...

I can still hear the haunting lyrics of that old Rolling Stones' song which was released in the nineteen si-tishoo, okay... let's just say last century. Some of you might even remember the same song from the movie Fallen, "Ti-i-i-ime is on my side... yes it is" but let's see a show of hands how many of us can really attest to having so much time... that we feel it's on our side. I know I can't. "Where did the time go?", "I have no time?", and on and on and on we lament. Yet, the following is a truth that truly successful people know well...

"Being successful does not make you manage your time well.
Managing your time well makes you successful."

When a colleague of mine asked her manager if an assignment was 'busy work', she noticed her manager was offended. If you agree that the comment was inappropriate... take a second look. Could it be in fact that my colleague realized the importance of managing the little time she actually had? Allow me to point out that managing your time well is the key to your success. It is learning which things to tackle and which things to postpone.

The quote above depicts the words of Randy Pausch. You may remember Randy, he was the famed Carnegie-Mellon Professor who was known for his lectures including his last lecture given shortly before his body succumbed to an incurable illness. Randy reminds us to be judicious with our time, lest we find it's less than we thought.

So, if I could encourage you to do one thing, I would encourage you to listen to Randy's lecture on youtube. Randy offers some very pragmatic and enduring advice for allocating your time wisely.

Then, if I could encourage you to do one more thing, I would encourage you to add the following book to your library, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey... and read it. Covey describes specific actions to help you on your path to become an effective, successful, high-impact leader. Both Randy and Steven show us how to allocate our time to get the greatest benefit.

Imagine if the things on your "to do" list were grouped in four quadrants, by due date or importance of task. Which grid do you think you should tackle first, second, third, then fourth? And why? Check out Randy's lecture to learn more.

Do you know which tasks you would tackle first?

The tasks in the four grids are grouped thus:
Upper left - important tasks due soon
Upper right - important tasks due later
Lower left - less important tasks due soon

Lower right - less important tasks due later

After you check out the video, I would love to hear how you use your time wisely... because it would mean you're well on your way.

Lessons from a Creativity Coach

This post was graciously and generously submitted by a dear friend and creativity coach Kathy Kane. Kathy's company Kane Creative Consulting helps individuals find a creative pathway to goal attainment. I've included the link to Kathy's blog. http://www.kanecreativeconsulting.com/CreativeCompass/

Thanks Kathy.
______________________________

Recently, I bought a book on creativity. The book was written almost 100 years ago. While struggling with an outdated style of prose I realized that these ideas were not new to me. They were probably not new then. They were truths that I see and hear often; that I know to be true; that I need to hear again and again. Lessons in creative courage.

Everywhere I look there are lessons. Some have come late; some were at my mother’s knee; some are being fired at me daily. Sometimes I have my Teflon shield up, playing Clueless Woman and letting the good stuff fall all around me. Other times, however, I get brave. I let my guard down and listen. Really, that’s the only way we really learn - with our eyes and hearts wide open. It takes courage and a small dose of humility. At least that’s how it is for me.

Henri Estienne said, “If youth knew; if age could”. What a lot of time wasted in between! Maybe the most important lesson is to look for the lesson; recognize the value in someone else’s story, know we don’t have to reinvent the wheel although we can certainly modify it to fit our journey. This is where we need that courage to open up to those lessons we hear over and over again; to see the lessons of those who went before. That’s where we could use a little of that humility to accept the fact that we don’t know it all and, as a matter of fact, we don’t have to!

As a recovering perfectionist I know just how tough it can be to take in those lessons. The lesson that says I can accept less than perfect from myself; maybe even small and crappy. The lesson that says I can continue to learn and that it’s actually fun; the lesson that shows me how to move toward my creative goals a minute at a time. I can listen to those who have struggled before me and realize that, okay, here’s another wheel I don’t have to reinvent. I can observe the joy of those who are sharing their story, who speak in the hope that I am listening and learning. I scrunch up my courage and jump in knowing the net will appear and changing my life in the process. All lessons I would have missed had I stayed wrapped up in the idea that I already knew it all.

Maybe I will pull out those water colors and leaf through a painting book and see how I might get back to something I put down years ago; something I avoided because I didn’t have the time to do it perfectly. I’ll take the teleclass in photography and, while my photos won’t be as wonderful as some of the others, perhaps I’ll develop a new way of seeing in the process. I’ll pay attention, drink in the lessons that are out there in the creative world of which we are all citizens. I’ll stay present and aware and let the lessons seep into my cells until they become a part of me. Maybe I’ll go back and revisit some of the lessons my mother taught me, too. I bet I’ve heard them a few times, too.

Success...is it a thing you want or something you expect?

If you fail to plan...

Success is often a standard that many of us are encouraged to embrace. And so many of us do... embrace success that is. So why does it seem to be such an elusive dream? Just out of reach. Is success something we want? or is it something we expect? Well Ellie... what is the difference? Glad you asked. I'll tell you...

A sports team expects to win when they visualize the win and practise consistently to achieve it. On the other hand, a student who parties late into the night, does little studying, and often misses classes, yet says he wants a grade of 'A' is being hopeful. And to quote someone really smart, "Hope is not a strategy, my friend!".

Most of us will state with certainty that we want to be successful. In fact, Ursula Burns, Sara Blakely, Ann Fudge, Mia Hamm, Venus and Serena Williams are some women that most would describe as successful. And if we examine their stories, we will find out that each of these individuals had embarked upon a course of actions that positioned themselves for success. Indeed, they may have dreamed of success, but they also set goals, and adopted behaviors that would help them achieve these goals.

So now I ask... as you take a look at your life, are you achieving the goals you want? or the ones you expect? Consider that for 15 seconds.

Create a vivid picture

It's frequently been reported that creating goals and writing them down gives one a greater chance of achieving these goals. A premise of one of my recommended reads for aspiring leaders... Write it down and make it happen by Henriette Anne Klauser. One game winning strategy that many athletes practise is to visualize the win they want to accomplish - step by careful step. So whether you want to visualize your goals, write them down, or create visioning projects (like vision boards), I urge you to heed the call to create the goal that you expect. When I was a young girl in high school, I heard the saying, "If you fail to plan, then you should plan to fail." Unfortunately for me, I have had instances when I've personally experienced the truth in that warning.

It's a new year... and at the risk of sounding cliche, it's a new opportunity to start again... and position ourselves for awesome success by creating the goals that will lead us to the outcome we expect. Goal setting is a key ingredient in the secret arsenal that successful people possess. My wish is that you follow suit. If you haven't done so yet, maybe you could set a goal... a vision of success... for one area of your life. After all... it's a start!! If you won't take my word ... heed the advice of the Cheshire Puss:

"Cheshire Puss," she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. "Come, it's pleased so far," thought Alice, and she went on. "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'' "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't much care where--" said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. "--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll